An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
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You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.