I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
how it started vs how it ended
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?