The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My god she’s good.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me irl
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
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