King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
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Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.