$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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my dog when i have a friend over
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
the Monday after daylight savings
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.