My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.