During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
*pronounces patio like ratio
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.