Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
You Might Also Like
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.