I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.