Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Carpe DM
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*