writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The first one, obviously
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Good dog. ❤️
Start the year as you intend to continue.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side