I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.