must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Oh my god
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”