[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
CRYING
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class