Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.