And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”