*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they