I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain