Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children