“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
And that about sums it up.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95