Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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Banana is the quietest snack
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea