My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
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I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
crazy
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]