[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings