Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog