Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.