me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox