You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
A classic…
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.