[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
so i’m at the stock market right
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.