Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
welp
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened