obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
You Might Also Like
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
knights of the ikea table
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.