it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.