“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.