*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.