Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….