Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*pokes sex life with a stick
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.