Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss