[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.