i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
This made me chuckle cuz mood
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”