I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I put the hot in psychotic.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.