team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
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The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.