I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Merica.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.