A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.