*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
You Might Also Like
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.