Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about