me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
welp
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute