Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
how much for the angry fruit?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.