Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Happy Febuary everyone!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.