Optional boss fight.
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Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)