My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
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ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.