This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
This checks out
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”